I Need More Hellos…

Disneyland with the Boyds!!  Love them =)

Disneyland with the Boyds!! Love them =)

It’s been one week.  A week of heart-wrenching grief and…

Screw that.  It’s too depressingly familiar.  But it has been one week–one week since the world grew that much more dim from the loss of yet another amazing woman who could not help but touch the lives, hearts, and futures of everyone she met.   Donna Boyd really was amazing too.  She was hilariously sarcastic, absolutely brilliant, and endlessly generous.  And…

They’re only adjectives really.  They don’t do her justice at all.  Just words.  And there are no words that can explain the shock and pain that her passing has wrought on all of our lives.  All I can say is that I’m an emotional wreck.  Only two weeks have passed since my grandma died and the loss of two of the most beautiful people I have ever been blessed to know has left me tossing on the swells of a raging sea of emotions.  Rage, bitterness, sorrow, numbness, confusion…again, they’re just words.  They’re not enough.  It can’t be described really.  The worst though is the cutting irony.  You see, I don’t do emotions well.  I mean, I can handle the normal everyday stuff.  But I wasn’t cut out for the things that are earth-shattering like this.  So as I rode that sea of emotions over the first week of my grandma’s passing, all I could think was that I wished I could talk to Donna on the phone or on Facebook because I just knew that she would have all the words that I couldn’t find on my own.  She was always good at that for those of us who are less…well-adjusted.  But she wasn’t able to do that this time because she was too sick herself.  And that was heart-breaking for me.  And now she’s gone too.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m so very, very glad that she’s not suffering anymore–no one deserves that, and she most certainly did not.  But at the same time, I’m selfish of the people I love and I hate it that she was taken from us all so soon.  It’s…awful, devastating, terrifying…again, they’re only words.

It’s…frustrating.  Yeah, that’s definitely a useful description.  As a writer, I rely on words.  They’re my life–the breaths that my soul exhales and the music my heart sings.  That they have been absent from me of late is indescribable.  Lonely almost.  Like a part of me is missing.  But, like I said, there aren’t words for this.  And I’m trying to accept that.  I suck at that though–too stubborn I guess.  However, I am decent at being grateful so I guess I can settle for that once more.  So thank you Donna.

Thank you for being my “Other Mother”.  A lot of people say that about the parents of their best friends.  They don’t necessarily mean it though–they just mean that they recognize that they have awesome personalities.  I really do mean it about you though.  You truly were another mother for so many people.  I will forever be thankful to you for always bringing me along and treating me like part of the family. When Brianna and I became best friends, it was like I gained a whole second family because you just welcomed me right on in with open arms.  It was beyond wonderful of you…

Thank you for teaching me a new way to listen to music.  You were the reason I went to nearly every concert I have ever been to–and you taught me that they’re supposed to be fun and freeing.  I hadn’t known that before really.  I think I was raised with too much of a background in classical music maybe? You know, you listen attentively and only clap when appropriate. Whatever the case, before I started going to concerts with you, Brianna, and Megan, I used to think that people at concerts were like misbehaving or something–all of that standing and screaming the songs and everything.  I didn’t get that.  But you and your daughters showed me otherwise.  You showed me that you have to dance and sing your heart out to really feel the music–to drench yourself in it until you can’t help but love it, breathe it, and live it.  I’ll never forget that…

Thank you also for all of the trips to Disneyland.  Your family might very possibly be the only family that loves it as much as mine does.  Crazy Disney people have to stick together after all.  No one else really appreciates all of the traditions.  They don’t get that you have to have ice cream on Main Street.  They don’t get that you have to wear your ears proudly.  They don’t get that being a grown-up doesn’t mean you have to grow up.  You always did though and it rocked.  Pirates of the Caribbean!  Space Mountain!  The Haunted Mansion! Even…wait for it, wait for it…It’s a Small World!!   You just got it, and that was very, very special to all of us…

While we are on the subject, thank you for always being so perceptive.  You always just got it–no matter what it was.  You were always the person that anyone could go to for advice without fear of judgment.  I always appreciated that.  I could tell you anything and I knew that it would never leave your kitchen table and that no one would ever know aside from us and Buddy–and Bassett Hounds don’t tell secrets 😉  And your advice was spot on too.  I didn’t always listen to it mind you–but I always wished I had afterwards!!  …

Thank you for having such an incredible family.  Functionally dysfunctional.  That’s what Brianna has always called you guys, you know.  And it couldn’t be more true.  You have all taught me that that is ok–that families don’t need to be perfect to be strong.  In watching the craziness that is the Boyd family, I have never ceased to be amazed at that.  I don’t think I ever will be either.  And I wouldn’t want to anyway.  Families should all be so lucky to be like yours–or mine for that matter.  Perfectly imperfect…

But mostly, I really want to thank you for believing in me.  You believed in my dreams–even the crazy ones.  Very few people do, did you know that?  But you did.  I think it’s because you thought that everyone has potential and it was your mission to help us all realize that too.  You always believed that I am more than what I have settled for.  I’m not going to do that anymore by the way.  I wish I had stopped sooner–the first of the hundreds of times you told me to.  But I’m going to now.  I have plans in motion.  I’m going back to school in the fall–this time for real.  I’m going to get published.  I’m going to make a difference.  I’m going to let myself matter–for the world, for the people like you who believed, and for myself.  After all, that’s what you always wanted for everyone you met.  And it’s the greatest way I can think of to honor the lessons you taught me and to keep your legacy alive.

Oh!  And one more thing.  I’d like to say thank you for a favor that I have to ask.  While you are teaching Heaven what it means to really party, could you maybe take a moment to drag JC aside and ask him to give me more hellos?  I hate goodbyes.  I know, I know, they’re inevitable.  Like Charles Schulz says, “Someone always leaves. Then we…have to say good-bye.”  He’s absolutely right too.  What I need–what the world needs!–is more hellos.  So if you could put on your best mother voice and get him on that stat, it would be fabulous.  Please and thank you.

Love you and miss you always!!


This entry was posted in Day to Day Circumstances, Faith, Staying Real, The Complexities of Man and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to I Need More Hellos…

  1. librarygal30 says:

    The unfortunate thing about hellos is that there is always a goodbye coming. I know that you are going through hell right now, but, one thing I have learned, that there are no magical words of comfort. The only things I can say are: I’m so sorry you are going through this, lean on me, and I’ll be with you every step of the way.
    Keep Donna’s legacy in your heart, and she will always be with you, telling you what you already know, but being stubborn , that you won’t always listen to the first time, or you second-guess yourself, because you don’t trust your instincts. She still believes in you and your dreams; go chase them, and know that she is with you every step of the way!

    • Thank you. I will. I think she would say that the time between hello and goodbye is more than good enough to justify the inevitable goodbye with hello. Every single time. 🙂

  2. Cyndi says:

    What a beautiful tribute! Donna was an amazing, beautiful, insightful woman so I was blessed to work with and know. Thank you for writing this so even more people can know her.

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