Renewed Evidences

217 Days left until the Zombie Apocalypse…

Yeah, yeah.  I know I’ve been rather neglectful and lazy lately.  I’ve been working second shift now.  At first, it wasn’t all that bad.  Then the sleep deprivation set in and turned me into a zombie.  Who would have guessed that the Apocalypse would be so easy to start?…

In any case, in the scant handful of hours when I’m not either zombified by work or sleeplessness, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about who will survive the coming Apocalypse.  It’s important to be aware of these kinds of things if you want to make the list and at least have a chance of keeping your brain in your head where it belongs.  Common sense would seem to point towards certain types of people, but I think that as a society we have been radically wrong about the suitability of these people to a post-apocalyptic world.  So, to prevent you from trying to conform to one of these moulds that will only get you killed, I figured we should probably start out with a discussion of who will not survive…and why…

RIP Shane

1. Fake Friends. They would seem like the perfect candidates for survival.  They’re charming enough to win friends when numbers are enough to keep them from getting eaten.  More importantly, they’re cutthroat enough to rid themselves of friends when those numbers aren’t enough and survival turns into feeding your friends to the zombies.  So yeah, they definitely know how to play both fields.  Before you start plotting your best friend’s demise though, just remember that this strategy relies on everyone you know being just as stupid as they look.  Let’s face it, that’s not always the case.  Come on people!  I’ve given you plenty of time to get through the second season of The Walking Dead.  You should know by now that people are often not nearly as dumb as they look–especially when their own survival depends on it.  Poor Shane.  We’ll miss your sexy evilness…or evil sexiness…or somesuch…

Poor, poooooor Paris….

2. Helpless hot chicks.  I know that all of you nerdy guys out there are scoffing at this one.  Admittedly, most men would fantasize about saving the helpless hot chicks from imminent death and collecting them in some sort of hero’s harem.  Hate to break it to you, but this sooooooo isn’t what happens when the world ends.  All of you males out there may want to help the helpless, but you wouldn’t really do it–for two reasons.  The first is simply a matter of common sense.  Who would you rather have backing you up: A bimbo with big boobs who is more likely to shoot you for staring at said boobs than she is to shoot the slathering zombie ambling up on you while you’re staring at said boobs…OR the tough chick covered in blood and guts who already shot said zombie while you were busy staring at her grime-covered clothes and trying not to add your own vomit to them?  Lie to yourselves if you want.  Scoff all you want.  Just know that the other reason this will never happen is that there are tons of women like me out there scoffing at the fact that you think you’d even have a choice in the matter.  Come on now.  We are SO using the Zombie Apocalypse as a chance to off the bitchy sluts of the world–preferably the way that Paris went out in House of Wax.  Cue the innocent expressions….”I’m so, so sorry.  It’s just that she didn’t have a brain and it seemed like a logical assumption that the zombies had taken it from her and made her one of them…”

The only choice for those with BRAINS!!!!

3. Politicians.  You might think that these “people” will be better off than the rest of us when the world ends in December.  They have connections.  They have underground bunkers.  They have tons of money and no morals.  They’re the group of people that everyone expects to survive because they’ll be immediately ferreted off somewhere safe like the cowards that they are.  And at first, this is probably what would happen.  However, the bastards couldn’t stay underground forever.  They would go insane without crowds to lie to, babies to kiss, and hookers to screw.  Eventually, they’d peek out of their hiding places.  It might take years, but it would definitely happen.  Since it would probably take years, they might even be the last people on Earth.  However, that would also make them very vulnerable when they emerge since they are soft and useless…and the zombies will be very hungry when they run out of regular people to munch on…Besides, the honest truth is that they might not even last that long to begin with.  There are far more of us than there are of them.  Again, “I’m so, so sorry.  It’s just that they didn’t have a brain among them and it seemed like a logical assumption that the zombies had taken it from them and turned them into zombies too…”  Having said all of that, I do have to confess that there is a remote possibility that they may survive.  They like to suck the life from the rest of us, so maybe they are already vampires.  I just don’t think that such sparkly vampires would do very well against the zombie horde…they’d suffer terrible damage to their cuticles and stain their expensive suits.  So yeah, they’ll still die…and the world will be a better place for it.

She’s going to eat you…just as soon as she finds her teeth…

4. Old People.  This one makes me ridiculously sad, but it is also the truth.  No one is going to stop and help Grandma drag her oxygen machine around while running from the zombies.  Don’t get me wrong, at first we will all want to save them–and we’ll even try.  After all, the elders of any society are always supposed to be honored and revered.  Plus, many of them have lived through harder times than we can imagine and they would be really good at handing out advice…and candy.  However, the first time we fail to save one will be so utterly heartbreaking that we will have no choice but to give up on them entirely.  We won’t want to do it.  It will just be something that we have to separate ourselves from.  Again, “Oh, she just had Alzheimer’s?  I thought the gurgling noises were zombie calls….”  God, that’s a freaking depressing thought, isn’t it?  So, on a high note, at least when Grandma and Grandpa come for us, they won’t have much luck chomping on our flesh with their dentures…

Muusssssttttt Haaaaavvvvveeeee Cooooofffffeeeeeee!!!!

5. Starbucks Junkies.  We all have this image of the perfect Starbucks customer in our heads.  They’re the intellectuals.  The writers.  The thinkers.  The people who could change the world…if they could only get off of their blogs long enough to do it.  The problem though is quite simply that they can’t.  They need their computers.  They live and breathe for them even.  So while everyone else will be gathering ammo and bottled water, they will be writing blogs about how the beginning of the end gets its start.  While the Starbucks employees are fighting off the undead, they will be updating their facebook statuses and tweeting with live coverage until finally all that they will be able to say is, “About to become one of the z–…..urnghhhhhhhh”.  And if that wasn’t enough to kill them, the end up Starbucks would drive them to kill themselves.  Shoot!  This doesn’t really bode well for me come to think of it.  Must.  Have.  Starbucks!!!!  To be honest, it probably doesn’t bode well for any of us!  Better start weaning ourselves while we still have a chance to do so.  Who am I kidding though?  I know that’s definitely one of those things that is so not going to happen.  Give up Starbucks?!  Please.  I think I’d rather die…  😉

So it’s established then.  I’m dying.  You’re dying.  We’re all dying.  Or are we?  Is there not a single demographic of humanity that will be capable of surviving the coming apocalypse?  Honestly, I doubt it.  We all have our shortcomings and weaknesses after all.  However, if there were going to be one group of people who could survive, I think that this would be it…

Survivor: The Zombie Apocalypse Edition

That’s right, the last survivors would probably be these people.  Who are they?  They’re your average redneck, hillbilly, Southern backwoods folk.  They’re the people that the rest of the world likes to make fun of.  A lot of people think that these people would be the first to go.  You know the stereotypes: they’re less intelligent, they’re inbred, they’re less than us.  That’s definitely not the case though.  Since I’ve moved to Mississippi, I’ve discovered that they really are the only ones who would be likely to survive the Zombie Apocalypse.  They have something the rest of us don’t.  They already know how to survive.  They don’t care about technology.  They can grow and kill their own food.  They have horses so they’ll never have to worry about running out of gas in their fancy BMW’s.  They’ve all been shooting guns since before they could walk.  Most importantly though, they know what things are the most important in life.  Where we live at the mercy of money, they live instead for family and for God.  It should be pretty obvious that that would give them an advantage over us for sure.  After all, they want to live for all of the right reasons while many of us simply want to live so that we don’t have to die.  Furthermore, they aren’t afraid to die because they have lived for all of the right reasons. Like Vita Sackville-West said, “I suppose the pleasure of country life lies really in the eternally renewed evidences of the determination to live.” So yeah, I think I’d like to give them a fighting chance against the undead for the simple reason that they honestly and truly deserve one…

Aside from them, the only others I can think of who might stand a fighting chance are the nerds like us.  We’ve got tons of practice killing video game monsters, tons of pent up rage from all of the bullying in high school, and tons of arcane zombie knowledge.  Admit it, we all totally watched Zombieland as a How-to Guide to Life After Everyone Else is Dead.  Moreover, we all have dog-eared copies of The Zombie Survival Guide that have had to be taped back together repeatedly.  Most importantly, we can survive off of video game food which practically makes us radioactive mutants.  So, while we might just be living to avoid death, I’d still be willing to bet that we’d be pretty damn good at it!

Sincerely Yours,

The Butcher of the Bard

This entry was posted in Countdown to the Zombie Apocalypse, Day to Day Circumstances, Down the Rabbit Hole and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Renewed Evidences

  1. Wow I’m so dead…but if I can’t have my starbucks then well what is life anyways?

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