Caught and Shot Now…

300 Days left until the Zombie Apocalypse…

Right.  So.  With the coming Zombie Apocalypse, target practice is definitely going to be a huge necessity for those of us who wish to survive.  The question though, is who should we shoot for practice?  We can’t shoot stationary targets…the zombies aren’t going to just hold still for us.  (Come on people!  Didn’t you see that episode of The Walking Dead where Dumb Blonde Chick had to learn to shoot moving targets?!  Sheesh!  You don’t seem like you’re completing your assigned research.  Just don’t blame me when a hungry five-year-old eats your face off…)

Where are you going?  Don’t get too crazy without first establishing some ground rules!  Dont’ try to kill Bambi you rotten little murderers.  Besides, I’ve got a great list of acceptable moving targets for you to focus your rage on.  Just remember to not shoot them with anything deadly.  I recommend using something fun like soda-filled squirt guns.  The purpose is to improve your aim–not to annihilate possible future allies.  (No matter how sucky your boss is, I’m sure he is still better than your neighbor-turned-zombie.  Should you ignore this advice, I won’t be held accountable for anyone’s pre-Apocalypse arrests…

Anyway, here is the list of potentially acceptable targets:

  1. Your siblings.  Okay yeah, that is admittedly messed up.  But face it, they’d do it to you too.  You could–if you were being really nice–even let them in on the target practice.  Mine pretty much kick ass and I wouldn’t want them to be left for dead during the coming apocalypse.  Plus, who better to have at your back than family?  They won’t sacrifice you to the zombies to save themselves.  Probably.  Okay, they might not sacrifice you.  I know mine wouldn’t do that to me–I’m too awesome.  But yours might.  If so, you should still let them join in on the target practice.  After all, it keeps them thinking that you’re in their corner.  Then, bam!  Right as the zombies are coming, you can kick them behind their knee caps and leave them to fall in your place.  They’d do it to you.  Yeah, it’s pretty much the perfect master plan.  Remember, you never want to be the last in line…
  2. Your boss.  Although, in his/ her case, I would totally recommend changing up your weapon.  Squirt guns are pretty darn conspicuous.  (Especially those really bright orange Super Soakers!!)    In this case, I recommend spit balls–if you’re sneaky enough.  They’d admittedly do little good against zombies.  But they’ll do a lot for all of that work aggression you have building up.  Remember:  Your boss could be your future ally.  And if not, you can always kick him/ her in the knee caps too.  (See option # 1…)
  3. Your coworkers.  This could maybe even be passed off as some sort of bonding ritual at work.  A day spent getting paid to blast people with one of these?!  To the gossip at the water cooler: “Take that!”  To the pervy old guy who always stares at your ass when he thinks no one is looking: “Take that!”  To your boss, because hey, it’s okay to make him/ her feel involved: “Take that!”  To the lazy idiots who make you do their share of work along with the other six people’s worth of jobs you already do: “Take that! And that!  And THAT!!!!!  Whew.  Had to get that off my mind right quick.  Okay.  Yeah, we all have a lot of work-related aggression to work through.  (Stop looking at me like I’m crazy!  I know that none of you truly enjoy your jobs either.  We wouldn’t get paid to do it if it were fun…)  Anyway, the point is that practising for the apocalypse can have other…benefits…in the here and now as well.  And just think, all of those people will provide for a pretty decently sized army to help support you.  Failing that, it’s a whole lot of knees to kick.  Again, see option # 1…

As for me, I’ve got the perfect target in mind: Judgers.

I am sick and tired of people who judge you because of what you look like.  They’re in dire need of being retaliated against.  A while back, I had someone tell me that I’m “not as physical” as someone else that I work with.  It really drove me nuts too because while that person is much thinner than I am, she isn’t any more fit than I am.  She can’t lift the 50 pound totes either.  She just happens to weigh less.  So the assumption is that I can’t lift them because I weigh more than the other girl.  My weight doesn’t have anything to do with it.  My lack of muscle tone does–which is admittedly something I should be working on before the zombies come…

Anyway, the point is that society sees “fat people” as being “less capable people”.  And we aren’t.  Not always anyway.  I do lift those totes–even though it totally kills me to do it.  I lift them because I’m stubborn.  The other girl?  She’s smarter than me–she gets the maintenance guys to do it for her…

I think it just bothered me because I’ve lost almost 60 pounds since moving here.  That’s pretty darn amazing if I do say so myself.  But I don’t think people really see that.  If you see someone every single day, it’s hard to notice changes.  So now I’m convinced that no matter how small I get, they’ll always just see me as the “fat chick.”  And let’s face it, people who are overweight are less likely to get raises, promotions, and even recognition when they’ve done a good job. 

I don’t particularly care if people think I look fat–I know I look good.  I bought a size 11 swimsuit the other day…best feeling in the world.  Ever.  Period.  I just don’t like it that their opinions of my weight should have so much of an effect on their opinions of me as a person.  Am I somehow worth less because I weigh more?  It’s irrational.  Plain and simple. 

It’s okay though.  They’ll get theirs too in December.  Skinny people who don’t go to the gym won’t have any advantage over slightly fat ones like me who do cardio in preparation for running from those crazy, adorable, little flesh-eaters…

So I’m vain…and petty.  Who cares?  Like today’s Hitchhiker’s quote says, “If there’s anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.”  Squirt guns.  Paintball guns.  Hey!  Here’s an idea!  STUN GUNS!!!  Those are actually freaking legal in this crazy part of the world.  You can even buy them at the flea market!  Absolutely amazing…and absolutely wonderful too…

Sincerely Yours,

The Butcher of the Bard

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This entry was posted in Countdown to the Zombie Apocalypse, Day to Day Circumstances, Down the Rabbit Hole, Staying Real and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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