As many of you–okay, probably ALL of you–know, the world has an expiration date. This date changes every few years or so–which only makes sense since those dates come and go sans incident all the time. Naturally, this one will be exactly like all the rest–an excuse for people to make money off of well-meaning idiots by forcing them to buy things that they’ll never possibly need…like dog sitters for their pets when they disappear during the Rapture. It’s all monumentally insane.
Buuuutttttt…..well, it is also kind of useful in a monumentally profound way…if we let it be anyway.
So, let’s pretend for a year that it’s true. We’ll join the crazies in thinking that the world is set to end in 354 days.
It makes for some pretty interesting thoughts. How do you think we’ll go? Nuclear War? Giant comet? Widespread disease? Climate change? Destruction by the Vogons in order to create a hyperspatial express route? There are so many fantastic possibilities to consider! One thing is for sure, it is almost certainly going to be Our Fault. Human nature is to be self-destructive, so why not take it to the ultimate level?
That brings me to my personal favorite doomsday scenario…
Folks, welcome to the Zombie Apocalypse.
You know it’s awesome. What could possibly be better than the lumbering, desperate search for brains, brains, brains, BRAINS?!?!?!?!
Besides, there’s something kind of dangerously sexy about them–I think it’s their unwavering determination to satisfy their baser needs and desires. Stop making that face! You know it’s true…
Yeah, it’s pretty much going to be epic.
But what are you going to do about it? That’s the important question. If the world is ending, how will you ever have time to truly appreciate life? 354 days is really not all that long if you think about it. So I am issuing you all a challenge. Before the outbreak begins, do something every single day to make your life matter. It doesn’t have to be something big or flashy, just make it meaningful:
Serve hamburger helper on your best china. Use up all of those fancy soaps and lotions we all own that are “too good for everyday use.” Wear your most expensive jewelery just to go to Wal-Mart. Be superfluous, meaningless, and silly because that’s what makes life feel worth living.
Then tackle all of those bigger things. Stand up for yourself at work. Call up an old friend you have been holding grudges against for years and make it work. Say “I love you”…more importantly, mean it. Be honest, selfless, and true to yourself because that’s what actually does make life worth living.
It doesn’t matter that this all probably a bunch of crazy bull shit. Just do it anyway. What’s it going to hurt to spend one year living life the way that we were always meant to?
No excuses now…I’ll be checking up on you…
That way, when it’s time, we will all be able to say, “It’s the end of the world as we know it…and I feel fine.”
The Butcher of the Bard